Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I
was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned
out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice
was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place
called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White House.
Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's
he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17%
prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just
kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the
concept of 'plausible deniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket to
San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an inbred,
power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was
Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't
hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for
beaver-wrestling shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House.
Which brings me back to my point.
Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House,
government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time
since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to
care about, evidently.
Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night-watchman.
And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust,
and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'internet'
has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of
where his or her next meal is coming from.
Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the presidential limousine."